It is so nice to blog again without censoring for the few people I'd given the old blog address to in moments of weakness. Why do I do that??? Three blogs now I've had to abandon. This time, I HAVE learned my lesson. No more blog info to boyfriends. Ever. Though at this point I don't see a new boyfriend happening; at least not in the next three years. I've got a pregnancy, and then a new infant, then a toddler hood to get through before I'll even have time for anything extra-curricular; and now with the sobriety, I'm just not sure my life will be leaning in that direction anymore. It's nice.
It's amazing (and embarrassingly obvious now) how much of my extra-marital activities were alcohol-fueled. God, how much time and money and heartache I could have saved if I'd sobered up 10 years ago. I guess there's not really any room for regrets though and I'm just grateful it happened now, sooner than later. For some reason, I guess they call it denial, I was always so sure that I was a fantastic mother despite being a raging alcoholic.
I mean, it's true, drunk or not, I never once layed a hand on my daughter; but I sure as hell wasn't anywhere near as present as I should have been, nor was I ever sober to drive her to a hospital had I ever needed to. :( I was short tempered, selfish, "falling asleep" much too early, and waking up grouchy with hangovers nearly everyday. I had a safety net, John was sober and always home so I knew that she was covered but still; it's MY job to be there for her, whether I have backup or not, and I wasn't. It's so heartbreaking. Again though, better now than never and it's such a relief.
I can't believe it's only been 5 months. It feels like a lifetime of clarity and distance. It's truly amazing.
So the pregnancy is good. Finally! The second month was a killer this time around. Constant nausea, dehydration, a week of missed work. It was tough. Things are better but I can't believe how big I am already! With Suz I didn't show until nearly 7 months! My belly is already that big now at 3! Scary!!! I'm thinking maybe (hopefully!) I'll plateau around 6? Maybe? Please?! We're going to Michigan in late-July and if I'm too big I'm going to be really scared to fly. And that would be devastating; I really don't want to miss this family vacation.
Ok, I guess that's enough for now. I'm going to get some work done.
2 comments:
So glad you are back to blogging and that you have the privacy you need. I feel kinda silly posting a comment on such a private blog, but I thank you for sharing your site with me. ;)
I enjoyed reading your last blog (I think I spent 2 or 3 late evenings while everyone else was asleep reading all your posts).....you are an insprition to me with your strength and determination. Anyone can have a good life under NORMAL circumstances....you have chosen to make a great life for yourself in the midst of some hard stuff. THAT is the proof of a very wise, kind, and good person.....
That answers my question about whether you're showing yet!!! I was 16 weeks with Xavi when I started showing enough for people to ask me when I was due. I know other people who didn't look pregnant until they were weeks away from giving birth (like you with Suz!). So weird how different it is for everyone - or the same person with different pregnancies.
I think it's so awesome how candid you are on your blog. There's a lot I don't say on mine because the readership includes people I would rather not have in all my bizness :-) It's cool to have a safe-like space to be candid.
You have major clarity and wisdom. I'm so impressed and proud of you, reading about where you are and knowing how hard it's been to get there. You are my hero!!! xoxoxoxo
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