Might wanna sit down; I thought I had a stroke. Turns out--good news! I didn't. I just have partial facial paralysis due to a case of Bell's Palsy. Fucking awesome. It's so fucking awesome. I'll write more later. I guess it goes away. That's a good thing. I'm on medication now. I'm still waiting for it to kick in. In the meantime I can't use a straw, close my eye all the way, smile, speak properly, or taste food. I'm in a really bad mood about it. I know people overcome much worse. I'll get over it. But I'd like a day or two to bitch first if you don't mind.
:(
I'm also feeling a little guilty for my vanity.
Upside, a day off work.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
I am a snobby shopper.
I mean, I'm not a snob, I think I'm friendly to a fault to salespeople, but my comfort level definitely lies in shopping at Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom and I sometimes find myself feeling decidedly uncomfortable when shopping at say, Mervyns or JC Pennys. To be fair, I grew up shopping with my mom at more upscale department stores, I didn't even know there WERE stores other than Nordys till I was 13 and went on my first shopping trip with a friend. It's funny to remember now how exotic and exciting those trendy shops lining the mall filled with neon pink and poorly sewn hemlines seemed to me at the time. I vowed never to waste another second in stuffy old Nordstroms again--especially since my hard earned dollar went so much further in these teenage girl focused shops.
Anyway, as I grew older and came to finally understand the importance of well made clothing, and now had the paycheck and credit line of a 20-something professional, I ventured back onto the gleaming hardwoods of Nordstrom and felt like I was coming home. And that feeling still holds true today. I love shopping at Nordstrom. I really do. I love perfect seams, I love free alterations, I love personal shoppers, I love salespeople that truly know the clothing line that they're selling (granted, I've had less than good luck with this in the juniors department, but I'll give it a pass since I never shop there anymore anyway), and I love love love their shoe department--best service ever and gorgeous footwear in size 11.
So, finally, back to my point. I'm poor. I don't use credit cards and I'm soon to be unemployed. I'm at a crossroads. My first choice is to just shop less, only buy things I really need but continue to look for the quality I've come to expect from Nordstrom. The problem is that I really don't have much self-control, I feel nervous about walking into a department for a new sweater and leaving with $200 worth of clothes. Plus, to be honest, at this point I really have zero budget for clothing, great quality or not. So when the need say, for a bathing suit or a new maternity dress arise, I'm really at the point of feeling like my only options are lesser quality stores. So three weeks ago I made peace with my lot in life and walked into JC Pennys to find a new dress. It didn't go well. I left with no dress, a screaming three year old, and a frustrated husband.
I wasn't trying to be a snob! Honestly, I just wanted a salesperson to point me in the right direction of the correct department. Then, having found the dress I was looking for, I simply needed someone to direct me to a dressing room. These should not be ridiculous requests! Especially in a teeny, suburb-sized department store! Ugh, it was so freaking frustrating! Finding what I needing, finding a person to ask questions of, finding a place to try the clothes on...None of it was easy. I ended up leaving my clothes hanging on a random rack and storming (quite diva like) out of the store.
I didn't want to act like a shopping snob! I really didn't and I'm truly embarrassed but my god it sucked in there! The racks of polyester were so closely placed that I couldn't even get my moderately pregnant self between them! I vowed never to go back.
Fast forward two weeks; I need a bathing suit. Ok, mind steeled for the worst I make my way back into Pennys. I know where I'm going this time and manage to pick out a few suits to try. (the facts that nothing was in order by size and that the entire department was completely unorganized--kind of like some one just threw the entire shipment of bathing suits into a corner and left them to die--will be left unmentioned ; or you know, not. Whatever) Ok, step one accomplished. Next step, finding a dressing room. The first saleswoman looked at me blankly. The second pointed me 1/2 way across the store to the lingerie department. (would it kill the company to have a few more freaking changing rooms?) When I got there the salesperson (after taking three or four minutes to finish counting something seemingly in her head out loud) informed me that there was a long wait but if I wanted to find another dressing room there was one on the other side of the store.
Ok. So that was nice of her to tell me I suppose, instead of just having me stand there in line. I was feeling really irritated with her but I guess she did help me out. So I make my way to the other side of the store and happily find an entire bank of empty dressing rooms; I go into the first open room and what do I find on the bench? A FREAKING BLOODY COTTON BALL STUCK TO ONE OF THOSE SKIN CLOSURE TAPES!!! OMG!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? Oh my god; like someone got a blood draw and then just threw their nasty bodily fluid on the bench in the dressing room. Who the hell are these people???
I have no words. Well, clearly I have a ton of words but the blood soaked cotton did leave me speechless for a good few minutes. Anyway, lesson learned, no more shopping for me. Not for a long time, not until I can afford to walk back into Nordy's. :(
Anyway, as I grew older and came to finally understand the importance of well made clothing, and now had the paycheck and credit line of a 20-something professional, I ventured back onto the gleaming hardwoods of Nordstrom and felt like I was coming home. And that feeling still holds true today. I love shopping at Nordstrom. I really do. I love perfect seams, I love free alterations, I love personal shoppers, I love salespeople that truly know the clothing line that they're selling (granted, I've had less than good luck with this in the juniors department, but I'll give it a pass since I never shop there anymore anyway), and I love love love their shoe department--best service ever and gorgeous footwear in size 11.
So, finally, back to my point. I'm poor. I don't use credit cards and I'm soon to be unemployed. I'm at a crossroads. My first choice is to just shop less, only buy things I really need but continue to look for the quality I've come to expect from Nordstrom. The problem is that I really don't have much self-control, I feel nervous about walking into a department for a new sweater and leaving with $200 worth of clothes. Plus, to be honest, at this point I really have zero budget for clothing, great quality or not. So when the need say, for a bathing suit or a new maternity dress arise, I'm really at the point of feeling like my only options are lesser quality stores. So three weeks ago I made peace with my lot in life and walked into JC Pennys to find a new dress. It didn't go well. I left with no dress, a screaming three year old, and a frustrated husband.
I wasn't trying to be a snob! Honestly, I just wanted a salesperson to point me in the right direction of the correct department. Then, having found the dress I was looking for, I simply needed someone to direct me to a dressing room. These should not be ridiculous requests! Especially in a teeny, suburb-sized department store! Ugh, it was so freaking frustrating! Finding what I needing, finding a person to ask questions of, finding a place to try the clothes on...None of it was easy. I ended up leaving my clothes hanging on a random rack and storming (quite diva like) out of the store.
I didn't want to act like a shopping snob! I really didn't and I'm truly embarrassed but my god it sucked in there! The racks of polyester were so closely placed that I couldn't even get my moderately pregnant self between them! I vowed never to go back.
Fast forward two weeks; I need a bathing suit. Ok, mind steeled for the worst I make my way back into Pennys. I know where I'm going this time and manage to pick out a few suits to try. (the facts that nothing was in order by size and that the entire department was completely unorganized--kind of like some one just threw the entire shipment of bathing suits into a corner and left them to die--will be left unmentioned ; or you know, not. Whatever) Ok, step one accomplished. Next step, finding a dressing room. The first saleswoman looked at me blankly. The second pointed me 1/2 way across the store to the lingerie department. (would it kill the company to have a few more freaking changing rooms?) When I got there the salesperson (after taking three or four minutes to finish counting something seemingly in her head out loud) informed me that there was a long wait but if I wanted to find another dressing room there was one on the other side of the store.
Ok. So that was nice of her to tell me I suppose, instead of just having me stand there in line. I was feeling really irritated with her but I guess she did help me out. So I make my way to the other side of the store and happily find an entire bank of empty dressing rooms; I go into the first open room and what do I find on the bench? A FREAKING BLOODY COTTON BALL STUCK TO ONE OF THOSE SKIN CLOSURE TAPES!!! OMG!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? Oh my god; like someone got a blood draw and then just threw their nasty bodily fluid on the bench in the dressing room. Who the hell are these people???
I have no words. Well, clearly I have a ton of words but the blood soaked cotton did leave me speechless for a good few minutes. Anyway, lesson learned, no more shopping for me. Not for a long time, not until I can afford to walk back into Nordy's. :(
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Surprise! I overreacted!
Probably enough said--it's very boring.
I'm tired today. I think I'll blame the weather. It's grey and drizzly. However, if it were sunny and beautiful don't think I wouldn't be complaining about having to sit here at my desk in such gorgeous weather. 5 months.
We saw Iron Man last night. It was really violent; especially for a PG-13 rating. My husband said maybe it's because we don't play video games; we're really removed from all the on-screen violence that pervades our society. I understand that it's a comic--people die; but I didn't expect graphic war violence and children and mothers screaming for their murdered parents and babies. It was awful. I closed my eyes and sobbed silently for a good 5 minutes in the middle of the film. Not really a feel-good kind of thing. I mean, I "enjoyed" parts of the movie; it was fun, Robert Downey Jr. was amazing (and super-humanly good looking) but all in all, I really wish I hadn't seen it. Total bummer.
My boss took his kids (two boys, ages like 8 and 10) to see it opening weekend. He said there were some parts that he felt a little uncomfortable with them seeing. I'd read the reviews and asked if it was about the kidnapping/torture-ish scene at the beginning. He said "no, that part wasn't really that bad, mostly it was about the playboy/sex stuff shown in a couple of flashbacks." Are you kidding me???? A three minute, pretty comedic "love" scene in which both actors was fully clothed concerned you more than watching entire families gunned down at close range?
What a world we live in.
Anyway, the movie ended 14 hours ago and I still have a headache.
I'm tired today. I think I'll blame the weather. It's grey and drizzly. However, if it were sunny and beautiful don't think I wouldn't be complaining about having to sit here at my desk in such gorgeous weather. 5 months.
We saw Iron Man last night. It was really violent; especially for a PG-13 rating. My husband said maybe it's because we don't play video games; we're really removed from all the on-screen violence that pervades our society. I understand that it's a comic--people die; but I didn't expect graphic war violence and children and mothers screaming for their murdered parents and babies. It was awful. I closed my eyes and sobbed silently for a good 5 minutes in the middle of the film. Not really a feel-good kind of thing. I mean, I "enjoyed" parts of the movie; it was fun, Robert Downey Jr. was amazing (and super-humanly good looking) but all in all, I really wish I hadn't seen it. Total bummer.
My boss took his kids (two boys, ages like 8 and 10) to see it opening weekend. He said there were some parts that he felt a little uncomfortable with them seeing. I'd read the reviews and asked if it was about the kidnapping/torture-ish scene at the beginning. He said "no, that part wasn't really that bad, mostly it was about the playboy/sex stuff shown in a couple of flashbacks." Are you kidding me???? A three minute, pretty comedic "love" scene in which both actors was fully clothed concerned you more than watching entire families gunned down at close range?
What a world we live in.
Anyway, the movie ended 14 hours ago and I still have a headache.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I love sobriety.
I don't, however, love my job so much.
15 years of alcoholism; 5 months of sobriety and I wake up every morning grateful to not have a hangover. Sounds pathetic doesn't it? Whatever. I went out to dinner Saturday with some friends; one of them had been in the sun too long and an hour into dinner felt like she had sunstroke and needed a ride home. Last summer I would have been 3 mojitos in and unable/unwilling to be the one to drive her home; Saturday it was no big deal and that is such an amazing feeling. It's so wild to look back and realize I was living like I had some bizarre disability and yet I was bringing it on myself daily. Daily.
Work however, sucks. 5 months. 5 months. 5 months....I got called out yesterday for not usually working a full 40 hour week. I think I might try next week to work 40 hours. I think what I'll probably do though is talk to my ob/gyn about my fatigue and get going on FMLA again. 30 hours a week sounds much better. 10-4, 11-5, I could definitely deal with that. Yeah, I think that's the direction I'm leaning. (WARNING: childish sentence ahead) Bummer for my stupid company. I bet they'll be thinking my 38 hour work week looked pretty good.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not feeling very zen about this whole thing right now. In fact, I'm feeling very grumpy and vindictive. Very, very much so.
15 years of alcoholism; 5 months of sobriety and I wake up every morning grateful to not have a hangover. Sounds pathetic doesn't it? Whatever. I went out to dinner Saturday with some friends; one of them had been in the sun too long and an hour into dinner felt like she had sunstroke and needed a ride home. Last summer I would have been 3 mojitos in and unable/unwilling to be the one to drive her home; Saturday it was no big deal and that is such an amazing feeling. It's so wild to look back and realize I was living like I had some bizarre disability and yet I was bringing it on myself daily. Daily.
Work however, sucks. 5 months. 5 months. 5 months....I got called out yesterday for not usually working a full 40 hour week. I think I might try next week to work 40 hours. I think what I'll probably do though is talk to my ob/gyn about my fatigue and get going on FMLA again. 30 hours a week sounds much better. 10-4, 11-5, I could definitely deal with that. Yeah, I think that's the direction I'm leaning. (WARNING: childish sentence ahead) Bummer for my stupid company. I bet they'll be thinking my 38 hour work week looked pretty good.
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not feeling very zen about this whole thing right now. In fact, I'm feeling very grumpy and vindictive. Very, very much so.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
I'm wasting a Saturday.
I have dirt and seeds and starts to get in to pots and yet I'm sitting inside, intermittently napping, watching children's television, looking at the rain, and eating. I feel like I might be depressed. Pre-partum depression? Is that a thing? Cause I think I have it. Or would that just be "depression"? I'm unmotivated, I find it hard to smile, I'm very flat, I feel overly worried (I hope) about the state of the economy and my family's ability to pay for our house after I have this baby in November. I remember feeling like this last time--I wrote many posts lamenting that I was wasting a joyous time by feeling so low. Last time I blamed it on my job; this time my job is only a fraction of it but the feelings are the same. Hmmmm...
I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with recovery right now. I mean, I'm totally good with being sober, the cravings are all but gone and all that; it's just that it's time for me to take a "searching and fearless inventory" of my negative character traits and I feel like I don't even know where to start--there's just so damn many of them! :) I'm not afraid of looking at my truth, I'm just scared I guess that the job is so massive and how can I even get started. Perhaps by working on that as opposed to bitching about MDC? Maybe? Procrastination is sooooo easy. I got some good tips at a women's meeting today; I guess I'm still a little stuck in "feeling" like I can't, even though more and more I'm seeing it's accessibility.
Ok, maybe later. John bought a German cake mix (like a cake mix actually from Germany!!) at the store last weekend and it's calling my name. And Suz appears to be melting.
Love you all! For real!
:)
I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with recovery right now. I mean, I'm totally good with being sober, the cravings are all but gone and all that; it's just that it's time for me to take a "searching and fearless inventory" of my negative character traits and I feel like I don't even know where to start--there's just so damn many of them! :) I'm not afraid of looking at my truth, I'm just scared I guess that the job is so massive and how can I even get started. Perhaps by working on that as opposed to bitching about MDC? Maybe? Procrastination is sooooo easy. I got some good tips at a women's meeting today; I guess I'm still a little stuck in "feeling" like I can't, even though more and more I'm seeing it's accessibility.
Ok, maybe later. John bought a German cake mix (like a cake mix actually from Germany!!) at the store last weekend and it's calling my name. And Suz appears to be melting.
Love you all! For real!
:)
Friday, May 2, 2008
Two things.
One. When I was driving home from work/day care yesterday I saw a kid I didn't know at the end of my cul de sac. To explain; I live down a little gravel road that shoots out the end of the cul de sac and down a little hill; it's a dead end and nobody ever comes there, which is a big part of why I like it. As I was driving past I noticed him wave but it was too late to acknowledge it, I just kept driving. He walked down our little road and as I was getting out of my truck he asked if I had any jobs for him. I really couldn't think of anything nor did I have any cash on me so I told him I'd think about it and he could come back tomorrow and check if he wanted.
I'll admit, I'm a paranoid freakazoid, but I didn't know kids did stuff like this so I was a little weired out. Plus, my neighborhood is not the squeaky-cleanest in the world; there are lots of drug and violence related police visits and I'm no stranger to tricky ways of scoping out new houses. BUT I do have a soft spot for kids and DID want to help this guy out. I spoke with my husband about it when he got home from work and he told me that he did the same thing when he was a kid trying to make a little money.
Just to double check it, I ran a thread on MDC about it. Most of the replies were what I expected; it IS a normal thing for kids, don't worry about it, find a job and pay him fairly; that kind of thing. I guess since it IS MDC though I should have been prepared for the inevitable flaming. I guess it wasn't technically "flaming" but it was a harsher response than I would have expected. Quite a few people found it "sad" and " alarming" that I would question the boy's motives. One of them felt bad that our realities were clearly so skewed. Fuck that. I was so pissed, you know? The fact is that I AM surrounded by meth, I see police cars parked in front of shady houses in my neighborhood at least weekly. In my opinion, in my situation it is far smarter to be safe than sorry, particularly with a daughter to look after. I'm so offended right now. What a judgemental bitch. Sorry for the rant but that is sooooo frustrating.
Two. I guess there's a new Gr*nd Th*ft A*to (I'm misspelling that to avoid google hits) game out. I don't know much about these games (to be honest I haven't played a current video came since Pac Man) but I've heard about the violence and sexual assault and can't say I'm a fan. So they were talking about it on a morning radio show I listen to and a woman, a self-proclaimed "40 year old awesome mom" called in to say "you can bet my kid won't be at school today, we're gonna be on the couch together torturing hos." Nice yes? And yet I get flamed for wondering what's a fair wage to pay a stranger.
I'll admit, I'm a paranoid freakazoid, but I didn't know kids did stuff like this so I was a little weired out. Plus, my neighborhood is not the squeaky-cleanest in the world; there are lots of drug and violence related police visits and I'm no stranger to tricky ways of scoping out new houses. BUT I do have a soft spot for kids and DID want to help this guy out. I spoke with my husband about it when he got home from work and he told me that he did the same thing when he was a kid trying to make a little money.
Just to double check it, I ran a thread on MDC about it. Most of the replies were what I expected; it IS a normal thing for kids, don't worry about it, find a job and pay him fairly; that kind of thing. I guess since it IS MDC though I should have been prepared for the inevitable flaming. I guess it wasn't technically "flaming" but it was a harsher response than I would have expected. Quite a few people found it "sad" and " alarming" that I would question the boy's motives. One of them felt bad that our realities were clearly so skewed. Fuck that. I was so pissed, you know? The fact is that I AM surrounded by meth, I see police cars parked in front of shady houses in my neighborhood at least weekly. In my opinion, in my situation it is far smarter to be safe than sorry, particularly with a daughter to look after. I'm so offended right now. What a judgemental bitch. Sorry for the rant but that is sooooo frustrating.
Two. I guess there's a new Gr*nd Th*ft A*to (I'm misspelling that to avoid google hits) game out. I don't know much about these games (to be honest I haven't played a current video came since Pac Man) but I've heard about the violence and sexual assault and can't say I'm a fan. So they were talking about it on a morning radio show I listen to and a woman, a self-proclaimed "40 year old awesome mom" called in to say "you can bet my kid won't be at school today, we're gonna be on the couch together torturing hos." Nice yes? And yet I get flamed for wondering what's a fair wage to pay a stranger.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
So Mind-Numbingly Tired
Was it this intense last time? Maybe it was but I just don't remember it being like this. I wasn't this big either. Last night before I went to bed my belly was as round as it was at 7 MONTHS last go-round; I'm only 3 months this Saturday. I'm stunned; and more than a little petrified of what the remainder of this pregnancy is going to look like. Like many other women I've spoken with, I'm just not enjoying it all this time so much. I guess the newness of it is over; I didn't even mind the bad parts last time. This time I just feel like a crappy mom because I can't give Suz all she needs. I'm really really tired.
Speaking of Suz; she's so big! So not a toddler anymore! She makes her own food; she picks her own activities; she doesn't need help on the swingset, and her vocabulary blows my mind on a daily basis. Watching her grow up is absolutely the best thing I've ever experienced. She is truly a gift.
Speaking of Suz; she's so big! So not a toddler anymore! She makes her own food; she picks her own activities; she doesn't need help on the swingset, and her vocabulary blows my mind on a daily basis. Watching her grow up is absolutely the best thing I've ever experienced. She is truly a gift.
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