Quiet Weekend

It rained. It was really nice. We got a ton done around the house but somehow never ended up feeling too stressed out about anything. The mother in law came over for a bit and played croquet and wasn't overly annoying and then we had a nice visit from a good friend who we don't see nearly often enough and her very sweet niece. Essentially drama free...

God--what DO I have to bitch about today??? I'm sure I'll come up with something a bit later.

I'm thinking it's time to talk to my doctor about cutting my work day short. Probably 5-6 hours, whatever I can get away with here. That will give me more time to help Suzie transition into her new school routine (lunches and daily bathing and that whole thing) as well as to hopefully get some yoga in in the mornings. Full 9 hour work days plus taking care of the fam are just wiping me out. I know, I know, women do this EVERY day, all around the world, but I'm tired and I hurt and if the opportunity is there for me to do better for my family then I definitely want to take it.

Also, I'm wearing a new deodorant--I usually get unscented but couldn't resist the vanilla chai at the drugstore this time. Omg, it's so strong. I do absolutely smell like a damn latte. It's not unpleasant, just...different, I guess.

Oh yeah, and after my incredible 17 pound weight gain in the month of July, I do believe I've leveled off. Yea for no more lectures from my doctor!

Exhausted.

I'm seriously tired. Summer is ending quickly and I feel like it's all I can do to feed the family twice a day, clean the house a little, and get to work on time. Social stuff feels crazy, with everybody trying to fit in their end of summer fun; I feel blessed that so many people want to include us in their plans but really overwhelmed at trying to fit it all in. And then I feel like I should just chill out; take it as it comes; life is about the good stuff--the barbeques and the family time and the picnics; I'm letting it slip by because work is so stressful right now. I feel like I never decompress enough to just relax with friends; when I do get around my friends I feel socially inept and unable to communicate. I'm just a mess right now. I really just want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.

Ideally, I'd like to go to this party on Sunday, but I'd like to just sit there; I don't even necessarily want anyone to come up to me. I'd like to just let the conversation wash over me until I feel comfortable enough to join in myself. I'd like John to take care of Suzie so I'm not feeling hyper-vigilant that she's not somewhere pissing off the childless or little babies. I just want a rest.

I want my mom to chill the fuck out. She over schedules herself and I make up for it. She watches Suzie a day a week, which is lovely, but she's in such a rush to get home to her next project/visitor/plan that it's always the feeling of stress when I come home on one of her days at my house because she's in such a hurry to leave.

My "best friend" is an insane person. I have to watch what I say constantly because from day to day she has entirely different expectations of everyone around her. If I'm honest she'll cut me off which I guess wouldn't be a bad thing, right? To clarify, this isn't the same crazy best friend that I started my last blog about, this is the previous crazy best friend who's now back in my life causing new havoc. See, I'm not allowed to make friends, I have terrible judgement in friends--I've collected enough friend baggage for a lifetime. What I wouldn't give to never have this crazy person pop up on my chat browser again. She is seriously sucking what little energy I have into her black vortex. Gross.

And then there's the boss. And work. God...I'm so tired.

Crazy Pills--I swear to God...

So the boss just comes back in "how was it out there?" I calmly explained that it was fine minus the hour of heavy lifting. He was SHOCKED! "What? I thought the uniform vendor took care of that? Well, not again, we'll be playing the pregnancy card from here on out and the vendor will take care of that part of the job."

To the rescue! What a guy!!!

I don't know what or who to believe around here. At all.

2.5 months to go.

Hmmm...

Do you think that an hour of bending at the waist and doing the plant's uniform laundry is appropriate work for a woman in her third trimester? Cause I don't. But somehow that's exactly what I just spent the last hour doing. It's so funny too, because I don't remember studying corporate laundry AT ALL during my master's program....How odd.

My boss has been itching to get me in on this "project" for months. I swear to god he gets off on making me do menial work. Well, the jokes on him cause I'm going to my doctor today and she'll be sure to sign off on me NOT doing any more of the heavy lifting. Which, because he's pushed so hard for "our department" meaning "Mindy" to take over, will now leave the burden to fall on his sadistic shoulders. Asshole.

Two days ago an 8 year old girl was kidnapped on my street; maybe 8 houses up from mine. She's home now, I'm not sure if she made it home that night or not; I knew she'd run away, but I didn't find out till this morning that she'd been knocked out and abducted. I know I should always be vigilant but my days of lazy parenting have got to end. Nearly every day Suz plays in in our big quiet yard by herself while I'm reading or cleaning the house. I check on her, probably every three minutes, but that's obviously not enough; this girl was taken in seconds.

Suzie is a rock star.

She was super proud that day, she and her dad were headed to a big outdoor ROCKSHOW downtown and she felt like the biggest girl on the planet.

She's been a little less happy with me for the past two days--God, I have such mama guilt; I give her a SOLID two hours of biking, swinging, playing in the lake, etc. every night when I pick her up from daycare, but after that I am finished. Completely exhausted. It's dinner and TV time and I need to seriously decompress before I crash out at 9. Last night she cried, feeling like she hadn't had enough together time.

John reminded me recently thought that I AM her favorite person in the world; she will not get bored of me and there will never be a time (in the near future anyway) where she'll decide on her own that she's had enough mommy time; so with that in mind I do have to be ok with cutting it off when the exhaustion kicks in. I mean, I am 6.5 months pregnant, I'm working full time, walking two miles a day, and still doing an ok job of getting the house taken care of; it's not like I'm a slacker!

Gut wrenching. :(

Leaving Suz in the mornings is tearing my heart out. She stands on the porch and cried and holds her arms out and stomps her feet; it's not just the crying, it's the crying coupled with that feeling of anguished frustration over having no control over your situation. It makes me sick for her. :( It's never fun, but it particularly sucks right now, I think because of this whole nesting thing. Every part of me is about family right now and leaving first thing in the morning to go to work (despite the fact that earning money to take care of them is totally important) goes against every natural impulse. Really though, she's only got 8 more days of daycare before school starts. I should probably tell her that again, maybe she'll cherish the short time she has left with these people.

Speaking of school, I just can't believe she's going off to school in September. She's beyond excited, even to the point of telling me what she'd like packed in her new lunchbox (that I've yet to purchase), but she's so small!!! Will she really be ok there? What if she's not potty trained enough yet? What if she needs help and doesn't know who to ask? :( :( :(

In other news, Suzie is just getting over Fifth Disease--didn't really affect her at all, minus a rash, but I've got to get a ton of blood work now because being in my 26th week of pregnancy is still a pretty dangerous time for the babe to catch it in utero. Pain in the butt!! And so worrysome. The doc says not to worry, so far the blood results don't look like I'm incubating anything but my god--I've had some serious illness/scary thing happen every trimester of this pregnancy. I am clearly too old for this. My mom says Soup is destined for great things, to have overcome this much adversity so early on, my sister says maybe I'm getting all of the tough stuff out of the way and he'll be an "easy" baby, I feel like I'm 35 and my body is not up to handling a pregnancy. 14 weeks to go...