Photos

Here's a link to J's (hehe) flickr page (now with real names!).

I smell like pine tar and afterbirth.

And I'm really so over it--is there much more to be said? :)

But the PUPPP is close to gone and the zoloft seems to have regulated my PPD. Cool. Plus, at least so far I've got a laid-back, colic-free little baby and have had my mom here helping me all week; things are ok.

I can't believe I've got an 11 day old son and haven't had a minute (or the mental space) to write about him yet. He's gorgeous though, golden skin and shimmering blond hair just like his sister. And as John noted the other morning, he's just so kind. He's really just patient and sweet. Don't get me wrong--I love my wild daughter to pieces, but a laid back kid this time around is just what the doctor ordered. Knock wood.

Quick update. Doing Better. Mostly.

I'm still not 100% but the medicine has kicked in and I'm feeling alive again. I'm moving around; taking care of things; and most importantly not crying in front of Suzie all the time now. That was the worst of it--feeling so much guilt about ruining her life that every time I saw her I'd start crying, which is obviously so much worse. She's been sweet; concerned and as gentle as her fiery little self can be.

Plus, that rash I mentioned, it's called PUPPP--and it's absolutely horrifying. Skin clawing itchiness for which there seems to be no cure except time--like 4-6 weeks of it. Benadryl doesn't touch it; lanacaine, solarcaine, hydrocortizone--nothing. Except then I found a few natural remedies--Grandpa's pine tar soap, stinging nettle caps, and dandelion root tea, combined with this Sarna lotion makes it so at least my skin is still intact and I can get a few hours sleep a night. Not an ideal situation for an anxious, post-partum mom of two. I guess my body had a reaction to the huge amount of collagen pumped into it during the last two weeks of my pregnancy when Ben got so big so fast--it's an autoimmune thing.

Anyway, baby crying. Gotta run. At some point I'll actually write about the birth--which was great by the way!

I'm not doing well.

Ben was born on Tuesday--no c section, I just went into labor Monday night and had him early Tuesday afternoon. My doctor said I had two weeks before the PPD would kick in and that I'd have time for the medication to start working but she was totally wrong. I can't stop crying. Suzie's not doing well. I hate that she's so sad. I've broken out in hives over my whole body and am having panic attacks because I'm so itchy. What have I done? What the fuck?

Fat and fragile

I feel like hell.

3 weeks ago I had no stretch marks. Today my lower belly looks like those horror show pictures you see of women with "really horrible stretch marks." I can hardly walk. I can hardly sleep. I'm feeling pressure from my immediate family to get all my holiday plans laid out and set in stone. The doctors are pushing for a c-section. Plus I feel like a terrible mother to my 4 year old. I've been so pregnant for so long and have had such a difficult pregnancy that I used up all my sympathy cards about a month ago and I feel like everyone around me just wants me to quit my bitching and have this damn baby already so they can get on with their lives. Thank god my husband at least gets it and my daughter is absolutely as patient as a pre-schooler can be.

Update.

I've made no progression in at least 3 weeks. My due date is tomorrow and I appear nowhere near labor. I know, I know, that could change at any time. My ultrasound today looks like the babe is about 9.75 lbs; they'd like me to schedule a c-section for a day or two past 41 weeks (next Friday or Monday). It's all ok, I guess, I'm uncomfortable and mildly anxious; it's my mom and mother in law seem the most concerned. My mom because she's THE MOST impatient person in the state and John's mom because she's not really happy with not being able to plan her work schedule.

But you know what I really want to do? I really want a non-pregnant body that can go for a long walk and do about 100 squats and lunges. I remember feeling like this last time as well, my ass feels like a bowl of pastry-ready butter and flour. Pretty, huh? :) I cannot wait for a couple weeks post-partum so I can start working out again. Is that sick? I feel like I'm kind of sick for looking forward to that but I am so tired of being soooo untoned and floppy.

I heart John Stewart

I thought I was going to put myself into labor last night laughing at his analysis of Mario Lopez' interview with Barack Obama. OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in, I don't know, MONTHS at the very least. He really is one of the funniest people on the planet.

In other news, I've chilled way out about this baby. Though, interestingly enough, that decision to chill out completely coincided with being finished at work....Hmmmm...Could hating my job so much really have been making that big a difference to my psyche? Well duh. So yeah, I'm huge and uncomfortable but am pretty much ok with being 39 weeks along and not really trying to push anything. Which is a good thing because my body has made it pretty clear that it's not finished baking this little guy yet.

Speaking of the little guy, we're still not sure on the name. We'd been feeling a little railroaded into using at least part of my father's name because he's a narcissist (great reason, yeah?) and felt obligated to massage his wounded and fragile ego a little; but more and more I'm just not feeling the need. Especially when there are so many great names out there of which his is not one...