Just between us...

I'm going to post a blog, just for the fun of it.

2009-05-31T13:49:00.001-07:00

I'd forgotten I had a blog! I mean, I remembered that I've had blogs in my life, but I'd completely forgotten this latest incarnation and that it was full of pregnancy posts and then dropped off the deep end. Funny! I've been so addicted to Facebook as a means of communicating my day to day that Giorno Bello just slipped my mind.

It's June! The weather is beautiful! I'm tan! I weigh less than I have since getting pregnant with Suzie 5 years ago! I'm addicted to couponing and have a stocked pantry and am saving my family a ton of money! I've got a year and a half sobriety next month!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Can you believe it? And most of all can you believe I'm nearly off-the-charts happy? I'm eating well, I'm working on the house, I'm nurturing my family, I'm taking care of me...Life is good. Really really really good.

So let's see, since it's been a while, a quick re-cap. Suz is 4 1/2 now and just finishing her first year at Montessori school. The whole family loves her school and she's doing so well there. I'm so proud of her. Today, she corrected MY grammar! How cool is that?!? She's doing ballet and playing soccer and loves doing puzzles. She's still a temperamental challenge and pretty quick to fly into a rage, but overall she's really a joy.

Ben is awesome! He's nearly 7 months old now and HUGE! 22 LBS! He's big into milk, has an infectious smile and the sweetest big round head covered in golden, silky blond hair.

I'm still not working--loving that! Taking care of the house, doing the shopping, working on projects; totally my thing. I think if John could get rid of about half of his possessions (and come into some easy money) my life would be just about perfect.

Sobriety is still great--can you believe it's been a year and a half? It's crazy--I can't imagine ever going back to drinking, and it feels like I've been sober my entire life; but me, the girl who ALWAYS had a drink in her hand has not had a single drop in 18 months. God is good. It's an amazing thing. I love being a sober mom, I love being a sober wife, I love being sober. It's gorgeous.

Sick kids...

2009-02-16T19:33:00.001-08:00

Actually only one, Suzie, seems really sick, Ben is just growing I think. He's huge, and gets bigger by the day, it can't feel good to grow so much so quickly. Not much going on aside from that. I've been spending way too much time on Facebook, a fair amount of time reading Book 5 of the Southern Vampire series, and really an exciting amount of time re-reading some buddhist and 12 step texts. It feels good to have the time and desire to want to focus on health again.

I've been doing Eat to Live since a few days before Christmas; it's a really strict, mostly vegan diet and I've lost a ton of weight. It's cool though, between the diet and Ben's lactose intolerance there is just so much that I can't eat; I'm pretty much eating oatmeal and a fruit smoothie for breakfast, a huge salad for lunch, and a bowl of soup or a pound of steamed veggies for dinner (I'm seriously eating about 3 FREAKING POUNDS of vegetables a day); and it's kind of like my body has detoxed its craving for crap out of itself. About once a week I'll go on a bender and eat like, an entire box of applets and cotlets or make up some vegan cookie dough and eat it raw but other than that, it feels like a weight has been lifted to not be thinking about food all the time.

Have I mentioned how much I love Zoloft?

2009-02-14T20:17:00.000-08:00

I suppose not since I haven't really mentioned anything since November but honestly, if Zoloft wanted to have a spokesmodel--I would sooooo volunteer. It's changed my life, really; I wish I'd started taking it YEARS ago. I am so calm and peaceful, very little phases me, I'm much more tolerant of others, I'm just...happy. The other night I stayed up later than my family, just playing on the computer, when I got in bed at 11, instead of fighting through my stress to fall asleep, I just layed (lied, lie???) cuddling with Ben and smiling. I smiled my way to sleep. Isn't that wild? It's amazing.

I really wouldn't call myself a blogger.

2009-02-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

But I will say that my little boy is 3 months old today and weighs 17 pounds. He can also roll onto his side and then do a little grunt and flail himself back onto his back. He's obviously a genius.

Other than that...not much. I'm getting unemployment, I'm vacuuming a lot, I'm baking muffins. I've lost 60 pounds since 11/11.

I love Facebook.

Photos

2008-11-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

Here's a link to J's (hehe) flickr page (now with real names!).

I smell like pine tar and afterbirth.

2008-11-21T16:33:00.001-08:00

And I'm really so over it--is there much more to be said? :)

But the PUPPP is close to gone and the zoloft seems to have regulated my PPD. Cool. Plus, at least so far I've got a laid-back, colic-free little baby and have had my mom here helping me all week; things are ok.

I can't believe I've got an 11 day old son and haven't had a minute (or the mental space) to write about him yet. He's gorgeous though, golden skin and shimmering blond hair just like his sister. And as John noted the other morning, he's just so kind. He's really just patient and sweet. Don't get me wrong--I love my wild daughter to pieces, but a laid back kid this time around is just what the doctor ordered. Knock wood.

Quick update. Doing Better. Mostly.

2008-11-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

I'm still not 100% but the medicine has kicked in and I'm feeling alive again. I'm moving around; taking care of things; and most importantly not crying in front of Suzie all the time now. That was the worst of it--feeling so much guilt about ruining her life that every time I saw her I'd start crying, which is obviously so much worse. She's been sweet; concerned and as gentle as her fiery little self can be.

Plus, that rash I mentioned, it's called PUPPP--and it's absolutely horrifying. Skin clawing itchiness for which there seems to be no cure except time--like 4-6 weeks of it. Benadryl doesn't touch it; lanacaine, solarcaine, hydrocortizone--nothing. Except then I found a few natural remedies--Grandpa's pine tar soap, stinging nettle caps, and dandelion root tea, combined with this Sarna lotion makes it so at least my skin is still intact and I can get a few hours sleep a night. Not an ideal situation for an anxious, post-partum mom of two. I guess my body had a reaction to the huge amount of collagen pumped into it during the last two weeks of my pregnancy when Ben got so big so fast--it's an autoimmune thing.

Anyway, baby crying. Gotta run. At some point I'll actually write about the birth--which was great by the way!

I'm not doing well.

2008-11-16T17:17:00.000-08:00

Ben was born on Tuesday--no c section, I just went into labor Monday night and had him early Tuesday afternoon. My doctor said I had two weeks before the PPD would kick in and that I'd have time for the medication to start working but she was totally wrong. I can't stop crying. Suzie's not doing well. I hate that she's so sad. I've broken out in hives over my whole body and am having panic attacks because I'm so itchy. What have I done? What the fuck?

Fat and fragile

2008-11-09T07:50:00.001-08:00

I feel like hell.

3 weeks ago I had no stretch marks. Today my lower belly looks like those horror show pictures you see of women with "really horrible stretch marks." I can hardly walk. I can hardly sleep. I'm feeling pressure from my immediate family to get all my holiday plans laid out and set in stone. The doctors are pushing for a c-section. Plus I feel like a terrible mother to my 4 year old. I've been so pregnant for so long and have had such a difficult pregnancy that I used up all my sympathy cards about a month ago and I feel like everyone around me just wants me to quit my bitching and have this damn baby already so they can get on with their lives. Thank god my husband at least gets it and my daughter is absolutely as patient as a pre-schooler can be.

Update.

2008-11-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

I've made no progression in at least 3 weeks. My due date is tomorrow and I appear nowhere near labor. I know, I know, that could change at any time. My ultrasound today looks like the babe is about 9.75 lbs; they'd like me to schedule a c-section for a day or two past 41 weeks (next Friday or Monday). It's all ok, I guess, I'm uncomfortable and mildly anxious; it's my mom and mother in law seem the most concerned. My mom because she's THE MOST impatient person in the state and John's mom because she's not really happy with not being able to plan her work schedule.

But you know what I really want to do? I really want a non-pregnant body that can go for a long walk and do about 100 squats and lunges. I remember feeling like this last time as well, my ass feels like a bowl of pastry-ready butter and flour. Pretty, huh? :) I cannot wait for a couple weeks post-partum so I can start working out again. Is that sick? I feel like I'm kind of sick for looking forward to that but I am so tired of being soooo untoned and floppy.

I heart John Stewart

2008-11-01T13:59:00.000-07:00

I thought I was going to put myself into labor last night laughing at his analysis of Mario Lopez' interview with Barack Obama. OMG, I haven't laughed that hard in, I don't know, MONTHS at the very least. He really is one of the funniest people on the planet.

In other news, I've chilled way out about this baby. Though, interestingly enough, that decision to chill out completely coincided with being finished at work....Hmmmm...Could hating my job so much really have been making that big a difference to my psyche? Well duh. So yeah, I'm huge and uncomfortable but am pretty much ok with being 39 weeks along and not really trying to push anything. Which is a good thing because my body has made it pretty clear that it's not finished baking this little guy yet.

Speaking of the little guy, we're still not sure on the name. We'd been feeling a little railroaded into using at least part of my father's name because he's a narcissist (great reason, yeah?) and felt obligated to massage his wounded and fragile ego a little; but more and more I'm just not feeling the need. Especially when there are so many great names out there of which his is not one...

Sexy Post! ;)

2008-10-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

So John and I have been talking about experimenting with the whole "sex brings on labor" idea now that I'm at full term. Obviously, I'm 39 weeks now and not feeling especially sexified but we decided we'd give it a go this weekend while Suzie was at her grandparents' house. Last night at like 5 he started talking about it and I was online so started doing some more research--super sexy!!!--and kept coming across all these posts and blogs and articles which all said, more or less, "we got busy and 4 hours later I was in labor." This led me to do more searches for "4 hours later" and "labor" (we're big into the foreplay around here; and I found a ton of hits! Coincidentally, when I did the same searches and substituted "5 hours later" I got significantly less hits...Interesting, yes?

So, long story short, we didn't get down last night. I was like "if we have any say in NOT going into labor at 8 p.m. let's take advantage of that; we'll do it tomorrow." So, fast forward to this morning, we wrapped up at about 8:30; looking at the clock this minute, that was 5 hours ago. Lame.

Oh, and maybe Mim can speak to this--I've heard the Bradley method actually suggests, um, pressing something hard "Like a lollypop!" against your soft palate to get labor started. Is this true? A funny thread on MDC asked if they also suggested ironing his shirts and making him a sandwich. :)

Current Addictions

2008-10-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the tag Sarah--I think it might be my first!

--Post at least 5 current addictions.
--Mention the person who started this meme (??? I have no idea! Is this Being Brazen the person who started it?) and the person who tagged you--Hi Sarah!
--Type your post with the heading Current Addictions.
--Tag at least two people and pass along the above rules.

1. Nachos. I've been eating a plate of chips and cheese dunked in sour cream and salsa every night after work. HEALTHY!!! But I swear I'm going to stop once I give birth--it's my last "who cares about the extra 10 lbs; I'll lose it after I give birth" thing.

2. Birth stuff. Duh, right? I've got like 5 minutes to go so I've been trying to cram since I wasn't very interested in studying up this time around. Plus, all of a sudden my doc seems to be mentioning c-sections all the time so I'm trying to study up a little before-hand...

3. Cooking. I've been trying to stock my freezer, turns out I did a really good job. After today's work I have zero room in my fridge or freezer. (Which reminds me Mim, you really shouldn't worry about bringing me food--I've got sooooo much right now and with all you're dealing with I think I should be feeding YOU!!--LOVE!). My freezer is stocked with bean soup, lasagna, enchiladas, jambalya, apple cobbler, peanut butter pie, chocolate/zucchinni muffins, and kielbasa baked in applesauce, and minestrone soup. My only concern right now is whether my picky 4 year old is going to eat any of it....

4. Porn. I'm blaming it on the pregnancy hormones. It's really irritating. And embarrasing. I'm going to leave it at that.

5. Mothering.com/discussions and thesobervillage.com/forums.

Let's see...as far as tagging, I only know of two other people for sure that are reading this blog. I'll tag Tammy and Miriam and see what happens. And Andrew, if you're still around and still blogging as well I'd love to hear what you have to say.

What is UP with my template?

2008-10-22T16:51:00.000-07:00

It gets more f'ed up by the day and I haven't done anything to it! I'm about to put on a plain ole' blogger template for awhile till I can find something pretty again.
:(

Contracting, contracting, contracting...

2008-10-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

It just keeps on contracting. I don't know, maybe a week to go? Further out than I'd originally thought but...perhaps? It's so hard to know. In work news my "replacement" has hardly had a minute to train, bummer.

Food is bad.

2008-10-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Everything I've tried to eat today has tasted, I don't know...wrong. Luckily I'm hardly hungry for more than a bite of anything at a time.

Funny quote I came across while reading my old pregnancy blog: "I promise after this baby is born I'll go back to blogging like my old, exciting self and not just about baby stuff anymore." Oh the naivete...So sweet. So stupid. :) I no longer hold such delusions. I only hope I'm able to blog AT ALL when this next little one arrives, it's been so much fun reading about Suzie's first year--all the little details I'd forgotten. I really should print that blog out and keep it, diary style, in my closet; as it was I'd forgotten that there even WAS a previous pregnancy blog and John and I both struggled to remember it's title...The internet is so wild.

Hey!

2008-10-20T08:34:00.003-07:00

I just noticed the pretty flower in my upper right hand corner is missing. I wonder how long that's been...Weird.

Monday Morning.

2008-10-20T08:17:00.001-07:00

I've been up since 5:30. It's now 8:20. I'm hot, I'm tired, I'm sweaty, I'm contracting. I need to get ready for work. Good times. Really good times.

Wow. I don't know. I don't feel good. I haven't felt good in days though. I was looking over my old, previous-pregnancy blog last night and things are looking/feeling a lot like they were about a week prior to labor last time around. The complaints are the same; the comments from friends and co-workers are the same. With Suzie, the Thursday prior to labor (which came on the following Thursday) began the "I don't think you'll make it through the weekend" comments. Those comments this time started last Thursday. My last scheduled day of work is next Wednesday; now I feel like I've kind of stuck myself into working longer than I might be comfortable. I mean, if the baby comes then I'm obviously done, I just don't know. I'll keep playing it by ear I guess. At this point, getting to work on time means getting in the shower in the next 20 minutes. I haven't decided if that's a possibility yet.

Oh--the good news is that I made it through operation "parental abandonment weekend" without going into labor. :) I even made it through without guilt tripping my mom about it, which I think I'm even more proud of. She was guilt-tripping herself pretty badly which made me feel bad. I mean, she made a silly choice to leave town so close to my due date but I think we were both kind of feeling like "this is mid-October, the birth isn't until mid-November--we've got tons of time!" When actually it's really more towards the end of October, the due date is more like the beginning of November and it looks like she's coming early...Anyway...

John also made it through the weekend without guilt tripping his mother for deciding to get wasted Saturday night when we'd asked her to be on call. Never mind that she lives 45 minutes away and we might be calling in the middle of the night. We both took partial--and I mean REALLY partial--responsibility for that one; in talking together afterwards we both admitted that we'd never specifically TOLD her not to get drunk. We'd both felt like that would have been an insult to her. Lesson learned. Well, a couple of lessons learned, really; but top-most I guess would be "don't trust an alcoholic not to get drunk." :( The really cool part was when she started drunkenly implying that we shouldn't assume she couldn't drive over here drunk just fine thank you very much. Cause THAT'S what we need; drunk mother in law careening over here to take care of my daughter at two in the morning. But enough of that. It's all typical alcoholic behavior. None of it's a surprise really. Just more a total downer.

Let's see, so, 20 minutes of sitting still has calmed the sweat and contractions. I think I'll take a shower and head to work. If it sucks I'll leave but it would be good to put in an appearance. Though I have no idea why, it's not like I need their approval...

Phrase of the day..."I don't know..."

2008-10-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am at 37 weeks. Today's ultrasound shows a 8.5 lb baby. If I go to term I'll be at 10+ lbs. I'm not especially any more afraid of birthing a 10 lb babe than I am a 7 lb babe, it's not the end pushing that hurts the most, it's the contractions and those come the same regardless. What I AM worried more about is immediately carrying around a 10 lb baby instead of starting with a 7 pounder and having a month or so to start building those muscles a little more slowly. I am seriously out of shape! I haven't done any upper body training in MONTHS because it was such a rough 1st and 2nd trimester. So scary!

Oh! Looks like I started a blog post last week at work and then forgot about it.

And...publish.

Sad today.

2008-10-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

I guess I can probably chalk it up to hormones. Does it sound hormonal that I'm near tears and sick to my stomach because I sent Suzie off to school with a sandwich that she might not like? I keep picturing her sitting at lunch so excited to see what she's eating and opening her sandwich box only to find her leftover egg sandwich from last night and then feeling sad that that's what I gave her. :( I try to give her really good lunches. I don't know what I was thinking sending her off with that.

I want to go home.

Sarah, since I don't think you come back to the comments...

2008-10-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

:)
You'd be surprised at how far down that list of people you're NOT! John and I were just kind of going through the list when we were laying in bed this morning and it was distressingly short. Thanks so much for your offer--I should probably make sure I've got your number on hand!

Really? This is good planning?

2008-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

My due date is 11/9, still a month away; but I'm getting serious vibes that this babe is coming early. I mean, not like tomorrow early, but probably by the end of October or a little sooner. I'm having near constant, often "alternate-reality/laborland" inducing contractions, plus other, um, TMI, kind of things going on...I mean, you never know, I'm just saying my gut is telling me this one might be a little early. Which is cool with me, I am sooooo ready. The problem? When I told my parents this yesterday at dinner their response was kind of along the lines of "no! that won't work at all!" Why, you ask? BECAUSE THEY'VE BOTH PLANNED OUT OF STATE TRIPS THREE WEEKS BEFORE MY FREAKING BIRTH!!!! Seriously? And honestly I'm not trying to be a birth diva; it's not like I think my birth is so.freaking.important that they should put their lives totally on hold, except that I have a three year old that they're watching during the birth. And my husband is my only birth partner. And it's not like I'm just springing it on them last minute that they're my support people. And if I go into labor they're in fucking RENO and CANADA that means John is stuck in the waiting room with Suzie and I AM ON MY OWN!!! I am so stunned right now.

On the "calm down pregnant lady" side, it's true, I PROBABLY won't go into labor three weeks before my due date and to be fair they didn't know until yesterday about my gut feeling, BUT it's certainly possibly, and I mean really, just common sense wise don't you think it might be a good idea to stay here in the state? My parents never ever cease to blow my mind.

I'm home from work today.

2008-10-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

The braxton hicks just wouldn't stop. I want to be cleaning the house but "listening to my body" means I stay horizontal. But I'm bored, and now a little depressed. What should I do with my day?

33 weeks down. 7 to go.

2008-09-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

Did I do that math right? I'm suspending math to focus my attention on my rapidly expanding abdomen.

So yeah, 7 weeks--(that's almost two months for those of you not joining in the math boycott), that's a long ass time! I'm huge! I'm already getting the "wow--you must be due any day now!" comments from strangers in the store and on the street. I don't really mind the sentiment, people are generally friendly enough, I just mind that I've still got so far to go and am so big and uncomfortable. Yeah, this is my "I'm big and pregnant and uncomfortable" rant.

Oh, funny story about being pregnant; I guess I've not really mentioned it to people. I'm not very social and so don't get out much, especially these days, even though I have a pretty wide circle of "friends." But aside from this blog and my co-workers and a few other people, I guess I haven't brought it up; so now I'm randomly running into friends looking as big as a mack-freaking-truck and people are feeling a little startled. It's really kind of funny. I thought maybe I'd post about it on myspace or facebook, but I think at this point, eh, why bother...It's really kind of funny and it will be even funnier to surprise people when I'm out and about with a new little one. Though knowing me, it'll be more like I'll surprise them when I'm out and about with a toddler and they'll all just be confused and think it's Suzie... ramble, ramble, ramble...

Let's see, oh, thanks to Mim's encouragement I bought myself a moby wrap and a hotsling. Last time I just used a baby bjorn and while it "worked fine" it really wasn't ideal and I definitely wanted to try something new this time around. I've been practicing with the wrap as I get that there's a bit of a learning curve, and yeah, I'm not rocking it yet. Possibly though because I've got this massive belly in the way of wrapping it properly. I put it on Suzie and she wore a baby around for a good hour though so I think I MUST have a pretty good idea of how to use it...Also, watching a pre-schooler rock a moby wrap while she goes about her pre-schooler business is pretty freaking fantastic. I really should post some pics.

So Suzie's been in Montessori school now for a month. It's amazing. I'm in love with her school and I'm so in love with the competent little person it's helping her develop into. She sings songs about the months of the year, she uses words like "injurious" (Ok, I'm not sure she's really got the definition down, but still...), and she'll just about kick my ass if I try to clean up a mess that's her responsibility to clean up. It's a lot of money, I'm not sure how we're going to keep it going, especially this next year that I'm not working, but it's so important, and just the changes that I've seen in her in the past month are such motivation for me to make as many cuts as are necessary to keep her there. Just yesterday I told her she wasn't allowed to use any more of my NARS Orgasm blush because once it's gone it's strictly Wet-n-Wild for this mama. ;) I've got to be careful though, frugality is definitely part of my nesting instinct and once those pregnancy hormones drop off I may be hard-pressed to fight the siren song of Sephora.com.

I see idiots. They're everywhere.

2008-09-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

I'm cooking a ham in a crockpot in my husband's work kitchen for my daughter's Montessori school picnic/potluck tonight. A co-worker of my husband jokes that he's going to sneak in there and sprinkle pot in it. He's 50.

Could he BE anymore of a moron?

I mean, I remember when I thought jokes like that were funny. I was 18.

What a day...

2008-09-01T15:37:00.001-07:00

I've been having contractions at 3 minutes apart lasting one minute for an hour. Then they took a break, then gave me another hour of fun. Now they seem to have tapered again. I'm at 30 weeks. Total pita. John and Suz are off to the grocery store, I think I seem to be done contracting for now.

Tomorrow starts 6 hour work days--10-4 (4:30 if I need to clock out for a lunch at all). Totally looking forward to that. Especially now.

Quiet Weekend

2008-08-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

It rained. It was really nice. We got a ton done around the house but somehow never ended up feeling too stressed out about anything. The mother in law came over for a bit and played croquet and wasn't overly annoying and then we had a nice visit from a good friend who we don't see nearly often enough and her very sweet niece. Essentially drama free...

God--what DO I have to bitch about today??? I'm sure I'll come up with something a bit later.

I'm thinking it's time to talk to my doctor about cutting my work day short. Probably 5-6 hours, whatever I can get away with here. That will give me more time to help Suzie transition into her new school routine (lunches and daily bathing and that whole thing) as well as to hopefully get some yoga in in the mornings. Full 9 hour work days plus taking care of the fam are just wiping me out. I know, I know, women do this EVERY day, all around the world, but I'm tired and I hurt and if the opportunity is there for me to do better for my family then I definitely want to take it.

Also, I'm wearing a new deodorant--I usually get unscented but couldn't resist the vanilla chai at the drugstore this time. Omg, it's so strong. I do absolutely smell like a damn latte. It's not unpleasant, just...different, I guess.

Oh yeah, and after my incredible 17 pound weight gain in the month of July, I do believe I've leveled off. Yea for no more lectures from my doctor!

Exhausted.

2008-08-13T08:53:00.001-07:00

I'm seriously tired. Summer is ending quickly and I feel like it's all I can do to feed the family twice a day, clean the house a little, and get to work on time. Social stuff feels crazy, with everybody trying to fit in their end of summer fun; I feel blessed that so many people want to include us in their plans but really overwhelmed at trying to fit it all in. And then I feel like I should just chill out; take it as it comes; life is about the good stuff--the barbeques and the family time and the picnics; I'm letting it slip by because work is so stressful right now. I feel like I never decompress enough to just relax with friends; when I do get around my friends I feel socially inept and unable to communicate. I'm just a mess right now. I really just want to crawl under a rock for a few weeks.

Ideally, I'd like to go to this party on Sunday, but I'd like to just sit there; I don't even necessarily want anyone to come up to me. I'd like to just let the conversation wash over me until I feel comfortable enough to join in myself. I'd like John to take care of Suzie so I'm not feeling hyper-vigilant that she's not somewhere pissing off the childless or little babies. I just want a rest.

I want my mom to chill the fuck out. She over schedules herself and I make up for it. She watches Suzie a day a week, which is lovely, but she's in such a rush to get home to her next project/visitor/plan that it's always the feeling of stress when I come home on one of her days at my house because she's in such a hurry to leave.

My "best friend" is an insane person. I have to watch what I say constantly because from day to day she has entirely different expectations of everyone around her. If I'm honest she'll cut me off which I guess wouldn't be a bad thing, right? To clarify, this isn't the same crazy best friend that I started my last blog about, this is the previous crazy best friend who's now back in my life causing new havoc. See, I'm not allowed to make friends, I have terrible judgement in friends--I've collected enough friend baggage for a lifetime. What I wouldn't give to never have this crazy person pop up on my chat browser again. She is seriously sucking what little energy I have into her black vortex. Gross.

And then there's the boss. And work. God...I'm so tired.

Crazy Pills--I swear to God...

2008-08-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

So the boss just comes back in "how was it out there?" I calmly explained that it was fine minus the hour of heavy lifting. He was SHOCKED! "What? I thought the uniform vendor took care of that? Well, not again, we'll be playing the pregnancy card from here on out and the vendor will take care of that part of the job."

To the rescue! What a guy!!!

I don't know what or who to believe around here. At all.

2.5 months to go.

Hmmm...

2008-08-12T09:16:00.000-07:00

Do you think that an hour of bending at the waist and doing the plant's uniform laundry is appropriate work for a woman in her third trimester? Cause I don't. But somehow that's exactly what I just spent the last hour doing. It's so funny too, because I don't remember studying corporate laundry AT ALL during my master's program....How odd.

My boss has been itching to get me in on this "project" for months. I swear to god he gets off on making me do menial work. Well, the jokes on him cause I'm going to my doctor today and she'll be sure to sign off on me NOT doing any more of the heavy lifting. Which, because he's pushed so hard for "our department" meaning "Mindy" to take over, will now leave the burden to fall on his sadistic shoulders. Asshole.

2008-08-08T12:25:00.000-07:00

Two days ago an 8 year old girl was kidnapped on my street; maybe 8 houses up from mine. She's home now, I'm not sure if she made it home that night or not; I knew she'd run away, but I didn't find out till this morning that she'd been knocked out and abducted. I know I should always be vigilant but my days of lazy parenting have got to end. Nearly every day Suz plays in in our big quiet yard by herself while I'm reading or cleaning the house. I check on her, probably every three minutes, but that's obviously not enough; this girl was taken in seconds.

Suzie is a rock star.

2008-08-08T09:03:00.001-07:00

She was super proud that day, she and her dad were headed to a big outdoor ROCKSHOW downtown and she felt like the biggest girl on the planet.

She's been a little less happy with me for the past two days--God, I have such mama guilt; I give her a SOLID two hours of biking, swinging, playing in the lake, etc. every night when I pick her up from daycare, but after that I am finished. Completely exhausted. It's dinner and TV time and I need to seriously decompress before I crash out at 9. Last night she cried, feeling like she hadn't had enough together time.

John reminded me recently thought that I AM her favorite person in the world; she will not get bored of me and there will never be a time (in the near future anyway) where she'll decide on her own that she's had enough mommy time; so with that in mind I do have to be ok with cutting it off when the exhaustion kicks in. I mean, I am 6.5 months pregnant, I'm working full time, walking two miles a day, and still doing an ok job of getting the house taken care of; it's not like I'm a slacker!

Gut wrenching. :(

2008-08-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Leaving Suz in the mornings is tearing my heart out. She stands on the porch and cried and holds her arms out and stomps her feet; it's not just the crying, it's the crying coupled with that feeling of anguished frustration over having no control over your situation. It makes me sick for her. :( It's never fun, but it particularly sucks right now, I think because of this whole nesting thing. Every part of me is about family right now and leaving first thing in the morning to go to work (despite the fact that earning money to take care of them is totally important) goes against every natural impulse. Really though, she's only got 8 more days of daycare before school starts. I should probably tell her that again, maybe she'll cherish the short time she has left with these people.

Speaking of school, I just can't believe she's going off to school in September. She's beyond excited, even to the point of telling me what she'd like packed in her new lunchbox (that I've yet to purchase), but she's so small!!! Will she really be ok there? What if she's not potty trained enough yet? What if she needs help and doesn't know who to ask? :( :( :(

In other news, Suzie is just getting over Fifth Disease--didn't really affect her at all, minus a rash, but I've got to get a ton of blood work now because being in my 26th week of pregnancy is still a pretty dangerous time for the babe to catch it in utero. Pain in the butt!! And so worrysome. The doc says not to worry, so far the blood results don't look like I'm incubating anything but my god--I've had some serious illness/scary thing happen every trimester of this pregnancy. I am clearly too old for this. My mom says Soup is destined for great things, to have overcome this much adversity so early on, my sister says maybe I'm getting all of the tough stuff out of the way and he'll be an "easy" baby, I feel like I'm 35 and my body is not up to handling a pregnancy. 14 weeks to go...

On second thought....

2008-07-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

I don't think my company management is trying to work me into the ground. I think my immediate supervisor is feeding me crazy pills. A couple of things haven't added up this week and finally my years of working as a domestic violence advocate are starting to come back to me. He's totally gaslighting. He's setting me up to isolate from my friends here at work. He's trying to create a situation where I'm loyal to him only. It's really weird. I feel stupid at having been duped; I'm way too savvy and educated for this but damn if he wasn't subtle about it. It's so creepy, you know? I'm not his wife (which is wrong in it's own right), I'm his employee--what is he gaining from this? It's all so wrong.

Advice anyone?

Really, I'm out of here in 3 months and will never be working with him again but...should I be doing something differently for the next three months? I appreciate the value in taking a stand, but I also appreciate a harmonious workplace since I'm leaving soon anyway.

Really? Seriously?

2008-07-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a week's vacation on Lake Superior to be informed by my supervisor that starting today I would be in charge of keeping my factory's on-floor supply room organized, cleaned, and maintained. They've decided that I, the woman in her third trimester, who works her tail off at a desk job, in an entire factory of able-bodied employees, should be the one to incorporate an hour or so a day of bending and lifting into her schedule. Sorry, I'm about to lose it here--ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!? What the hell is wrong with these people???

I am so frustrated right now that I'm near tears, I'm afraid to actually talk to anybody because I'm so angry that I will lose it and dissolve into tears. John's immediate advice is to make it alarming clear exactly HOW pregnant I am by sticking out my rapidly expanding belly and waddling as much as possible.

You know??? I only have a few hours of expendable energy in a day--if they want it expended on that, well, it's that much sooner that I'm going to end up on an FMLA related bed rest that they'll be paying 80% of. Honestly, I can't do 8 full hours a day including 1-2 of physical exertion. I really hate this place. :(

:(

2008-06-16T13:32:00.001-07:00

Leaving Suzie every morning is absolutely killing me. This morning I dropped her at daycare and she stood in the window, silent and waving, with tears rolling down her cheeks, watching me leave. It's not right to leave her somewhere that makes her so unhappy, especially to go off to a job that is sucking the life out of me. It's not supposed to be like this. :(

Including our summer vacation and her daycare provider's summer vacation, she's really only got a month and a half left of this particular daycare and she's beyond excited to start at the Montessori school in the fall. I know she has a good time at Chris' house--she doesn't want to leave when I show up to take her home in the afternoons, but still, it feels horrible to leave her there; and every morning when she wakes up and asks "do I have to go to Chris' house today?" Often first thing upon opening her eyes, it's just not right.

It was a great weekend. To recap I ended up skipping out on the party but John took Suzie. They raged until 11! omg... Party animals, those two. The aforementioned child hating shrew was indeed in attendance (do you know who I'm referring to, Andrew :) ? ) and was indeed just as cold and horrible as I'd expected. John did his best to keep Suzie in different rooms but still had the feeling that this meanie was in the kitchen hating that she even had to hear Suzie's excited voice. I get that some people aren't into kids--I really do! And I don't begrudge them for it--to each their own and all that, really! But this woman, she seems to really, actively dislike the people, the human beings, that children ARE; regardless of personality or temperment. It's very ugly. Thank goodness I really only see her once a year, if that, at this particular birthday party.

The rest of the weekend was gorgeous! omg, Summer showed up! Yea! We played in the yard, went out to breakfast, took a short hike, watched part of an airshow, ate a ton of strawberries and ice cream...um, I know I'm forgetting something...Whatev, it was a busy, fun-filled weekend that also included a ton of sleep! Awesomeness!

Party Nervousness

2008-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a non-kid party to which my entire family is invited. I'm feeling apprehensive. It's at 8, for one, I know--crazy right? But at 8 (make that 7) I'm generally brushing teeth and getting into bed with a book. Now Suz loves a party, even a non-kid party usually, but I have less fun when I feel like I'm shielding her from the few anti-kid types that usually attend this particular birthday party. To be fair, there are a few people there that honestly LOVE Suzie and can't wait to see her, AND I'm overly sensitive and still stinging from the one childless party attendee last year who was so cold and awful to her, but I'm still nervous. We'll see; if, at 7:30, I'm up for a party then I'll decide to go. If not, then John and Suz can go without me. They'll still have fun, possibly even more than if I DID attend...

I woke up at 5:30 this morning--on time!!!--with the intention of getting some "actual" writing done, as opposed to these mini-posts; Suz woke up at 5:40, instead of 7:15, as I was brushing my teeth and needed some snuggle time...it was nice.

omg...so seriously nesting.

2008-06-12T15:26:00.000-07:00

I want to run away from here and scrub my house from top to bottom. I want to make Suzie's play areas magical and inviting. I want to organize my sweaters by color. I want to clean out my junk drawers.

I've started reading a few basic Montessori books; Suzie is starting in the fall and I know enough to know it's where I want her to be; but beyond that I don't feel comfortable answering the inevitable questions that arise when people find out where she will be attending. The books have been informative and inspiring; Suz and I had a great night making one of her play corners attractive and inviting. Tonight we'll work on her kitchen.

Last night we were discussing the upcoming end of her gymnastics lessons for the summer and she asked "after summer, when I go to the Montessori school, will I do gymnastics?" I told her no, that the new school was more about activities and games and learning, she responded "great! cause we don't do learning at Chris' house." So sweet but made me a little sad too, this girl is desperate to learn and perhaps I've been holding her back or not focused enough her needs. Live and learn I guess, we'll take it from here. I've been so scattered and exhausted and sick; I've been just barely getting by and she's definitely been getting the short end of the stick.

I sure wish we'd get some sun around here. My container garden is seriously sporting a thin layer of moss.

Inspired to blog? Perhaps?

2008-06-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

No. Not at all. I need to blog about how I'm having a boy and all my many feelings about that. I need to blog about how things are going pretty well this week and how I'm excited and inspired. I need to blog about the incredibly dirty dreams I've been having the past few nights.

But I just don't want to. I'm so not interested in blogging right now. I actually want to get some work done. Weird.

Ok, I'm just gonna go with that.

:)

Back at work

2008-06-09T12:31:00.000-07:00

Four days on the Oregon coast with my mom and daughter was far from relaxing but still a lovely time. 55 degree weather with driving wind and rain meant for a LOT of time in the pool. Or "the cool" rather as Suz refers to it. "The hotel has TWO cools! A cold cool and a hot cool!!!" She excitedly shared with us. We were in them for about 4 hours a day.

As the title suggests, I'm back, hard at work today. Work is bad. I'm unhappy here. However, my morning blog perusing has left me feeling inspired to give Suzie an amazing life; now I just need to figure out how to make that happen.

A better day.

2008-06-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

I don't know why really--I guess I'll just chalk the whole thing up to hormones. :) I mean, it's far from a great day, I'm just so unhappy at my job. Four and a half months to go though, I'm SURE I can make it through that--right? I cannot believe I'm halfway through this pregnancy; on the other hand it's been such a tough one it feels like I've been pregnant forever! I wonder if I'll ever have a pregnancy that's not riddled with fears and bizarre afflictions.

I had a thought today, while driving into work; a pretty staggering one, actually; and that is that my life has turned out exactly how I wanted it to. And that sucks. From the time I could think for myself I was trying to figure out how to rebel and from the time I moved out of my parents' home and into my first college dorm I excelled at it. Now I'm 35; I have a masters' degree that I have no intention of using, I'm an alcoholic (recovering, but still...), I'm working at a dead end job; AND I have an amazing husband and a gorgeous daughter and a beautiful house on a quiet lake. It's not ALL bad, it's just so frustrating that it's what I made for myself. I wanted to go to Vassar or Sarah Lawrence, you know? I expected to have a real career that I loved. But it was so important to me to "prove myself" by drinking to excess and sleeping with as many people as I could. WTF? WTF was I thinking? How could I have done this to myself?

So here I am, trying to pick up the pieces. I'm trying not to mourn what I've lost for myself but to think positively about where to go from here. It's hard though, when my choices feel so limited. I feel like I'm stuck in this place of "I can't change my reality so I guess I'll just have to change how I feel about it." And right now that feels like a major downer. My husband makes like $16 an hour. When I'm working that's about what I make too. We're JUST making it. We have NO extra money. How do you build a life with that? What do you do when you're in your late 30s and you realize that you've both made absolutely terrible decisions up until now and that you're screwed? How do you deal with that?

How do people do it?

2008-06-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

How do they live and support their families and have enough money to pay for the necessities and still manage to have a life and jobs that they enjoy? How did I fuck it up so much? Ok ok, so I'm stressed and tired and emotional right now but how in the world did I make such a mess out of what should have been so promising a life?

Drop Dead Tired

2008-06-03T08:47:00.001-07:00

I keep meaning to post and update but I just keep on not getting around to it. I'm beat. I'm so tired. The pregnancy is exhausting. The palsy is exhausting. Now I'm coming down with a cold and that's pretty damn exhausting as well. By 6 p.m. every single night I'm looking like the walking dead, staggering around with my arms out for balance. I'm so tired. I've been working short days for the past week, when I've gone in at all. Today will be my first full day back at work in awhile. I've got today and tomorrow to struggle through and them my mom and Suzie and I are headed off for 4 days on the Oregon coast. The weather is supposed to be gray and 55 degrees but I'm so happy to be getting away for a few days. Mostly though I'm just really overwhelmed with the exhaustion right now.

The fam and I went to a party on Saturday, some good friends are moving to CA so this was kind of their send off. EVERYONE was drinking; I had three urges to go into the kitchen and sneak a quick pull of wine. This coming from the pregnant girl who hasn't had a drink in 6 months. I didn't do it and I'm so glad but it continues to amaze me how strong the urge is. Even though it felt so great to be sober at a party and totally present for Suzie the urge was undeniably still there. Even though I've come to realize how great life is without hangovers and regrets of bad behavior and the ever looming threat of a DUI or worse, the urge is still there. It's just so powerful. God, seeing all those drunk and tipsy parents smoking and drinking and saying stupid things to their kids; it really hit home how good it feels to be sober for Suzie. It's so important.

I'm having a really bad day.

2008-05-28T15:00:00.000-07:00

Might wanna sit down; I thought I had a stroke. Turns out--good news! I didn't. I just have partial facial paralysis due to a case of Bell's Palsy. Fucking awesome. It's so fucking awesome. I'll write more later. I guess it goes away. That's a good thing. I'm on medication now. I'm still waiting for it to kick in. In the meantime I can't use a straw, close my eye all the way, smile, speak properly, or taste food. I'm in a really bad mood about it. I know people overcome much worse. I'll get over it. But I'd like a day or two to bitch first if you don't mind.

:(

I'm also feeling a little guilty for my vanity.

Upside, a day off work.

I am a snobby shopper.

2008-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

I mean, I'm not a snob, I think I'm friendly to a fault to salespeople, but my comfort level definitely lies in shopping at Neiman Marcus and Nordstrom and I sometimes find myself feeling decidedly uncomfortable when shopping at say, Mervyns or JC Pennys. To be fair, I grew up shopping with my mom at more upscale department stores, I didn't even know there WERE stores other than Nordys till I was 13 and went on my first shopping trip with a friend. It's funny to remember now how exotic and exciting those trendy shops lining the mall filled with neon pink and poorly sewn hemlines seemed to me at the time. I vowed never to waste another second in stuffy old Nordstroms again--especially since my hard earned dollar went so much further in these teenage girl focused shops.

Anyway, as I grew older and came to finally understand the importance of well made clothing, and now had the paycheck and credit line of a 20-something professional, I ventured back onto the gleaming hardwoods of Nordstrom and felt like I was coming home. And that feeling still holds true today. I love shopping at Nordstrom. I really do. I love perfect seams, I love free alterations, I love personal shoppers, I love salespeople that truly know the clothing line that they're selling (granted, I've had less than good luck with this in the juniors department, but I'll give it a pass since I never shop there anymore anyway), and I love love love their shoe department--best service ever and gorgeous footwear in size 11.

So, finally, back to my point. I'm poor. I don't use credit cards and I'm soon to be unemployed. I'm at a crossroads. My first choice is to just shop less, only buy things I really need but continue to look for the quality I've come to expect from Nordstrom. The problem is that I really don't have much self-control, I feel nervous about walking into a department for a new sweater and leaving with $200 worth of clothes. Plus, to be honest, at this point I really have zero budget for clothing, great quality or not. So when the need say, for a bathing suit or a new maternity dress arise, I'm really at the point of feeling like my only options are lesser quality stores. So three weeks ago I made peace with my lot in life and walked into JC Pennys to find a new dress. It didn't go well. I left with no dress, a screaming three year old, and a frustrated husband.

I wasn't trying to be a snob! Honestly, I just wanted a salesperson to point me in the right direction of the correct department. Then, having found the dress I was looking for, I simply needed someone to direct me to a dressing room. These should not be ridiculous requests! Especially in a teeny, suburb-sized department store! Ugh, it was so freaking frustrating! Finding what I needing, finding a person to ask questions of, finding a place to try the clothes on...None of it was easy. I ended up leaving my clothes hanging on a random rack and storming (quite diva like) out of the store.

I didn't want to act like a shopping snob! I really didn't and I'm truly embarrassed but my god it sucked in there! The racks of polyester were so closely placed that I couldn't even get my moderately pregnant self between them! I vowed never to go back.

Fast forward two weeks; I need a bathing suit. Ok, mind steeled for the worst I make my way back into Pennys. I know where I'm going this time and manage to pick out a few suits to try. (the facts that nothing was in order by size and that the entire department was completely unorganized--kind of like some one just threw the entire shipment of bathing suits into a corner and left them to die--will be left unmentioned ; or you know, not. Whatever) Ok, step one accomplished. Next step, finding a dressing room. The first saleswoman looked at me blankly. The second pointed me 1/2 way across the store to the lingerie department. (would it kill the company to have a few more freaking changing rooms?) When I got there the salesperson (after taking three or four minutes to finish counting something seemingly in her head out loud) informed me that there was a long wait but if I wanted to find another dressing room there was one on the other side of the store.

Ok. So that was nice of her to tell me I suppose, instead of just having me stand there in line. I was feeling really irritated with her but I guess she did help me out. So I make my way to the other side of the store and happily find an entire bank of empty dressing rooms; I go into the first open room and what do I find on the bench? A FREAKING BLOODY COTTON BALL STUCK TO ONE OF THOSE SKIN CLOSURE TAPES!!! OMG!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? Oh my god; like someone got a blood draw and then just threw their nasty bodily fluid on the bench in the dressing room. Who the hell are these people???

I have no words. Well, clearly I have a ton of words but the blood soaked cotton did leave me speechless for a good few minutes. Anyway, lesson learned, no more shopping for me. Not for a long time, not until I can afford to walk back into Nordy's. :(

Surprise! I overreacted!

2008-05-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

Probably enough said--it's very boring.

I'm tired today. I think I'll blame the weather. It's grey and drizzly. However, if it were sunny and beautiful don't think I wouldn't be complaining about having to sit here at my desk in such gorgeous weather. 5 months.

We saw Iron Man last night. It was really violent; especially for a PG-13 rating. My husband said maybe it's because we don't play video games; we're really removed from all the on-screen violence that pervades our society. I understand that it's a comic--people die; but I didn't expect graphic war violence and children and mothers screaming for their murdered parents and babies. It was awful. I closed my eyes and sobbed silently for a good 5 minutes in the middle of the film. Not really a feel-good kind of thing. I mean, I "enjoyed" parts of the movie; it was fun, Robert Downey Jr. was amazing (and super-humanly good looking) but all in all, I really wish I hadn't seen it. Total bummer.

My boss took his kids (two boys, ages like 8 and 10) to see it opening weekend. He said there were some parts that he felt a little uncomfortable with them seeing. I'd read the reviews and asked if it was about the kidnapping/torture-ish scene at the beginning. He said "no, that part wasn't really that bad, mostly it was about the playboy/sex stuff shown in a couple of flashbacks." Are you kidding me???? A three minute, pretty comedic "love" scene in which both actors was fully clothed concerned you more than watching entire families gunned down at close range?

What a world we live in.

Anyway, the movie ended 14 hours ago and I still have a headache.

I love sobriety.

2008-05-20T08:42:00.001-07:00

I don't, however, love my job so much.

15 years of alcoholism; 5 months of sobriety and I wake up every morning grateful to not have a hangover. Sounds pathetic doesn't it? Whatever. I went out to dinner Saturday with some friends; one of them had been in the sun too long and an hour into dinner felt like she had sunstroke and needed a ride home. Last summer I would have been 3 mojitos in and unable/unwilling to be the one to drive her home; Saturday it was no big deal and that is such an amazing feeling. It's so wild to look back and realize I was living like I had some bizarre disability and yet I was bringing it on myself daily. Daily.

Work however, sucks. 5 months. 5 months. 5 months....I got called out yesterday for not usually working a full 40 hour week. I think I might try next week to work 40 hours. I think what I'll probably do though is talk to my ob/gyn about my fatigue and get going on FMLA again. 30 hours a week sounds much better. 10-4, 11-5, I could definitely deal with that. Yeah, I think that's the direction I'm leaning. (WARNING: childish sentence ahead) Bummer for my stupid company. I bet they'll be thinking my 38 hour work week looked pretty good.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm not feeling very zen about this whole thing right now. In fact, I'm feeling very grumpy and vindictive. Very, very much so.

I'm wasting a Saturday.

2008-05-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have dirt and seeds and starts to get in to pots and yet I'm sitting inside, intermittently napping, watching children's television, looking at the rain, and eating. I feel like I might be depressed. Pre-partum depression? Is that a thing? Cause I think I have it. Or would that just be "depression"? I'm unmotivated, I find it hard to smile, I'm very flat, I feel overly worried (I hope) about the state of the economy and my family's ability to pay for our house after I have this baby in November. I remember feeling like this last time--I wrote many posts lamenting that I was wasting a joyous time by feeling so low. Last time I blamed it on my job; this time my job is only a fraction of it but the feelings are the same. Hmmmm...

I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with recovery right now. I mean, I'm totally good with being sober, the cravings are all but gone and all that; it's just that it's time for me to take a "searching and fearless inventory" of my negative character traits and I feel like I don't even know where to start--there's just so damn many of them! :) I'm not afraid of looking at my truth, I'm just scared I guess that the job is so massive and how can I even get started. Perhaps by working on that as opposed to bitching about MDC? Maybe? Procrastination is sooooo easy. I got some good tips at a women's meeting today; I guess I'm still a little stuck in "feeling" like I can't, even though more and more I'm seeing it's accessibility.

Ok, maybe later. John bought a German cake mix (like a cake mix actually from Germany!!) at the store last weekend and it's calling my name. And Suz appears to be melting.

Love you all! For real!
:)

Two things.

2008-05-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

One. When I was driving home from work/day care yesterday I saw a kid I didn't know at the end of my cul de sac. To explain; I live down a little gravel road that shoots out the end of the cul de sac and down a little hill; it's a dead end and nobody ever comes there, which is a big part of why I like it. As I was driving past I noticed him wave but it was too late to acknowledge it, I just kept driving. He walked down our little road and as I was getting out of my truck he asked if I had any jobs for him. I really couldn't think of anything nor did I have any cash on me so I told him I'd think about it and he could come back tomorrow and check if he wanted.

I'll admit, I'm a paranoid freakazoid, but I didn't know kids did stuff like this so I was a little weired out. Plus, my neighborhood is not the squeaky-cleanest in the world; there are lots of drug and violence related police visits and I'm no stranger to tricky ways of scoping out new houses. BUT I do have a soft spot for kids and DID want to help this guy out. I spoke with my husband about it when he got home from work and he told me that he did the same thing when he was a kid trying to make a little money.

Just to double check it, I ran a thread on MDC about it. Most of the replies were what I expected; it IS a normal thing for kids, don't worry about it, find a job and pay him fairly; that kind of thing. I guess since it IS MDC though I should have been prepared for the inevitable flaming. I guess it wasn't technically "flaming" but it was a harsher response than I would have expected. Quite a few people found it "sad" and " alarming" that I would question the boy's motives. One of them felt bad that our realities were clearly so skewed. Fuck that. I was so pissed, you know? The fact is that I AM surrounded by meth, I see police cars parked in front of shady houses in my neighborhood at least weekly. In my opinion, in my situation it is far smarter to be safe than sorry, particularly with a daughter to look after. I'm so offended right now. What a judgemental bitch. Sorry for the rant but that is sooooo frustrating.

Two. I guess there's a new Gr*nd Th*ft A*to (I'm misspelling that to avoid google hits) game out. I don't know much about these games (to be honest I haven't played a current video came since Pac Man) but I've heard about the violence and sexual assault and can't say I'm a fan. So they were talking about it on a morning radio show I listen to and a woman, a self-proclaimed "40 year old awesome mom" called in to say "you can bet my kid won't be at school today, we're gonna be on the couch together torturing hos." Nice yes? And yet I get flamed for wondering what's a fair wage to pay a stranger.

So Mind-Numbingly Tired

2008-05-01T12:08:00.001-07:00

Was it this intense last time? Maybe it was but I just don't remember it being like this. I wasn't this big either. Last night before I went to bed my belly was as round as it was at 7 MONTHS last go-round; I'm only 3 months this Saturday. I'm stunned; and more than a little petrified of what the remainder of this pregnancy is going to look like. Like many other women I've spoken with, I'm just not enjoying it all this time so much. I guess the newness of it is over; I didn't even mind the bad parts last time. This time I just feel like a crappy mom because I can't give Suz all she needs. I'm really really tired.

Speaking of Suz; she's so big! So not a toddler anymore! She makes her own food; she picks her own activities; she doesn't need help on the swingset, and her vocabulary blows my mind on a daily basis. Watching her grow up is absolutely the best thing I've ever experienced. She is truly a gift.

Breathing Room

2008-04-28T08:27:00.001-07:00

It is so nice to blog again without censoring for the few people I'd given the old blog address to in moments of weakness. Why do I do that??? Three blogs now I've had to abandon. This time, I HAVE learned my lesson. No more blog info to boyfriends. Ever. Though at this point I don't see a new boyfriend happening; at least not in the next three years. I've got a pregnancy, and then a new infant, then a toddler hood to get through before I'll even have time for anything extra-curricular; and now with the sobriety, I'm just not sure my life will be leaning in that direction anymore. It's nice.

It's amazing (and embarrassingly obvious now) how much of my extra-marital activities were alcohol-fueled. God, how much time and money and heartache I could have saved if I'd sobered up 10 years ago. I guess there's not really any room for regrets though and I'm just grateful it happened now, sooner than later. For some reason, I guess they call it denial, I was always so sure that I was a fantastic mother despite being a raging alcoholic.

I mean, it's true, drunk or not, I never once layed a hand on my daughter; but I sure as hell wasn't anywhere near as present as I should have been, nor was I ever sober to drive her to a hospital had I ever needed to. :( I was short tempered, selfish, "falling asleep" much too early, and waking up grouchy with hangovers nearly everyday. I had a safety net, John was sober and always home so I knew that she was covered but still; it's MY job to be there for her, whether I have backup or not, and I wasn't. It's so heartbreaking. Again though, better now than never and it's such a relief.

I can't believe it's only been 5 months. It feels like a lifetime of clarity and distance. It's truly amazing.

So the pregnancy is good. Finally! The second month was a killer this time around. Constant nausea, dehydration, a week of missed work. It was tough. Things are better but I can't believe how big I am already! With Suz I didn't show until nearly 7 months! My belly is already that big now at 3! Scary!!! I'm thinking maybe (hopefully!) I'll plateau around 6? Maybe? Please?! We're going to Michigan in late-July and if I'm too big I'm going to be really scared to fly. And that would be devastating; I really don't want to miss this family vacation.

Ok, I guess that's enough for now. I'm going to get some work done.

test

2008-04-25T13:09:00.000-07:00

just testing