I have dirt and seeds and starts to get in to pots and yet I'm sitting inside, intermittently napping, watching children's television, looking at the rain, and eating. I feel like I might be depressed. Pre-partum depression? Is that a thing? Cause I think I have it. Or would that just be "depression"? I'm unmotivated, I find it hard to smile, I'm very flat, I feel overly worried (I hope) about the state of the economy and my family's ability to pay for our house after I have this baby in November. I remember feeling like this last time--I wrote many posts lamenting that I was wasting a joyous time by feeling so low. Last time I blamed it on my job; this time my job is only a fraction of it but the feelings are the same. Hmmmm...
I'm also feeling a little overwhelmed with recovery right now. I mean, I'm totally good with being sober, the cravings are all but gone and all that; it's just that it's time for me to take a "searching and fearless inventory" of my negative character traits and I feel like I don't even know where to start--there's just so damn many of them! :) I'm not afraid of looking at my truth, I'm just scared I guess that the job is so massive and how can I even get started. Perhaps by working on that as opposed to bitching about MDC? Maybe? Procrastination is sooooo easy. I got some good tips at a women's meeting today; I guess I'm still a little stuck in "feeling" like I can't, even though more and more I'm seeing it's accessibility.
Ok, maybe later. John bought a German cake mix (like a cake mix actually from Germany!!) at the store last weekend and it's calling my name. And Suz appears to be melting.
Love you all! For real!
:)
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2 comments:
I'm having to change my blog from "public" to "private" SOON. One rotten little troll ruined it for everyone. lol.
Anyway, I want to send you an invitation. Email me at
thesherfamily@yahoo.com
Thanks,
Tammy
Ugh - Being prego is such an emotional roller coaster sometimes. Me? I found wellbutrin to be v. helpful. And baths, lots of 'em. And television series, but that didn't really pick me up as much as it took me away. Good on you for recognizing patterns and remembering when you were at this point in your last pregnancy. I never have that kind of insight into my patterns. Luckily husband reminds me of those things. Sometimes that's annoying. Anyhoo, stay present and mindful with your recovery - like you're doing! You are so krazy kool and amazing - you're doing HARD work. Sobriety AND growing a HUMAN inside of you!!!! xoxoxo
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